I had an odd experience in a swimming pool this weekend, and I'm not sure why it happened. Let me preface this by saying I was fine, and in the shallow end, and nothing really happened. It's more the sensation that accompanied my bobbing around in shoulder deep water that was odd.
I was house/dog-sitting and since it's been ridiculously hot lately, I decided to take a dip in the pool, alone (everyone else was out of town). I'll be the first one to tell you I am not a strong swimmer. I once jumped into the middle of a lake on a church retreat and nearly panicked treading water with nothing below my feet (not to mention the mere thought of something swimming by and touching me). My body tired out quickly, I was breathing irregularly from focusing on not dipping below the surface and somehow forgetting how to breathe, and tried not to make a spectacle of myself as I scrambled back to the boat. From then on, I used a life vest as a sort of underwater hammock and pleasantly floated around, carefree, for the rest of the trip.
Until this past weekend, I don't think I've ever been in any body of water alone. The weather was hot, the pool was cool but not cold--it was refreshing. And I was fine up until the water was over my shoulders. I tried to tread water, just to see if I could (since I am really bad at it), and the same thing happened as in that lake. Tired. Can't breathe. Heart pounding. Can't stay above the surface. And even though my feet were still touching the bottom once I stood up, my body reacted as if nothing had changed--as if there was nothing below me to keep me afloat. The weirdest part is that mentally, I was completely calm and honestly a bit surprised at the disconnect between my mind and body reaction in those moments. My chest felt tight, my heart was beating harder than usual, and I felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. In the shallow end of the pool. With my feet on solid ground.
I didn't stay in the pool very long. And I've been thinking about it ever since. Aside from the lyrics of Jack Johnson's "Drink the Water" continually popping into my head, I've at least been able to conclude a couple of things. One: When Stuart and I have kids, I want them to have plenty of swimming lessons so they don't feel freaked out in a few feet of water, no matter the circumstances. Two... well, I'm getting to that.
I can't explain why my body reacted that way. I don't know if it was because I was alone or what. But since I was an English major in college (who am I kidding, I'm still an English major) and my brain works in a particular way, I couldn't help but think about how often sinking or drowning imagery is used to describe a feeling or a situation, and there's good reason for that. I think we take for granted the ability to float, swim, do tricks, what have you (at least those of us who are adept swimmers). But to "sink like a stone" is overwhelming, and frightening. You feel crushed, breathless, helpless. Things happen in life that leave you feeling like you are drowning, sinking to the bottom of the ocean with no hope of escape or rescue.
Since becoming a Christian several years ago, I feel like the number of "drowning" events in my life have sky-rocketed. Lately, I haven't felt very strong in my relationship with the Lord. This is unrelated to the hardships of life, and more just neglect on my part. I believe in Him, and believe He is who He says He is. But my heart hasn't been following suit much, and I've been trying to figure out why. My scatter-brained-ness kicks in, or I get distracted by the myriad other things going on in my life and somehow manage to forget about Jesus. Thankfully, His faithfulness isn't dependent on mine. I live by faith, by His grace. There may be times when I feel overwhelmed, like the world is sending things my way that just crush and confuse me. I sometimes feel lost, like I'm adrift on the ocean, struggling to stay afloat in the uncertainty and sinking quicker by the second.
But I don't doubt for a moment that God is right there with me, His hand in mine, keeping me afloat (or pulling me out of the deep entirely). I've had opportunities to sink into hopelessness, and would have, if not for Jesus. Thing is, I don't want to just float, or "get by," anymore. I want to walk to Him across the water, instead of sinking like Peter, like I always do. God has proven faithful over and over again, even when I have not. He has given me every reason to trust Him and yet when the storms come, I act like the disciples in Mark 4.
I'll close with this: the first time I heard "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United, I wanted to cry. It spoke to a deep part of my heart, and I want it to be my prayer each time I hear it. Thanks for reading.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
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